I don’t love being vulnerable with complete strangers. Honestly I limped through writing this, but I know I’m not the only one out there who deals with such struggles. So here we go.
Life gets in a rut. The proverbial hamster on the wheel.
Seeming monotony. Running but getting nowhere.
Slighted perception in the midst of weariness.
Wondering what life would have looked like if I’d made different choices.
Struggling against the voice that tells me to crawl back in bed and pull the covers over my head. The voice that tells me it isn’t worth it. That I’m wasting my time.
Days where I wish I felt victorious, but I’m just crawling across the ground reaching for the hem of His garment. Knowing truth, how I “should” feel, but my reality is a clamber instead of a victory lap.
My analytic little self wants to know why I struggle, but coming up short I’m learning that I don’t always need to know why. I only need to give him my weary heart. He is big enough to fix it. Maybe he’ll reveal it to me, or maybe he just wants me to trust Him instead of solve puzzles.
A puzzle because logic tells me that if I know the right answers, then the application of such truths should solve my problems. But, therein lies a faulty perception. The perception that if we follow Christ we should be free of struggle. That is not so. But that in the midst of difficulty we would always know where to turn.
On one such day, I was driving down the road feeling a sense of defeat. Nothing terrible had befallen me. It all just seemed too much. I turned on my worship music to take my focus off myself. I gave him whatever was going on inside of me. My prayer was simple. Please, Lord. I need a new perspective, but I’m just too tired to find it on my own.
So many errands I needed to run. Three kids in tow. I wondered how I would manage, when I couldn’t seem to hold my own head up. I had so much to feel thankful for, but I felt so human. So tired. My mind full of questions. Why? Why was I doing this? Refereeing the same old sibling squabbles. Cleaning up the same mess over and over again. Teaching the same lesson that just wouldn’t sink in. My head full of things I wanted to do, but I didn’t have the time.
I know I’m not doing it alone. Yet, I felt that way as I went about my tasks.
How Can it Be, by Lauren Dangle came on my Pandora station. Apparently this song is my family anthem. It’s not the first time God has used it to change my day.
I’m singing, but the words coming out of my mouth feel empty. Then, Caleb, my rambunctious child says in an uncharacteristically quiet voice, “That part [of the song] where it says, you break my chains…it makes me think of the man who cut his hair.”
I puzzle a moment. “You mean Samson?”
“Yea. He lost his strength, and he was chained. But God gave him strength again, and He broke his chains.”
I didn’t expect such depth of perception.
Well, okay Lord. You’ve used a child, the very one that has left me questioning what in the world I’m doing wrong, to show me how right you are. To change my perspective. To help me see. And in that moment, if only for a little while, I jumped off that nonexistent wheel. I could envision clearly what I was doing with my life and why. I could grasp the higher calling behind what looked like an endless run to nowhere.
My faithfulness, my words, and the things I did mattered. A young man of God saw beyond the things in front of him, even while I struggled to do so myself.
Sometimes life feels like an endless string of Why do you have me here, Lord? The key is to get our focus off of ourselves and on Him. Find the method that works for you. Maybe you need some time in prayer, worship music in the car, rest, time with the family or friends. Rest is a big one that is easily neglected in the busyness. So much clarity can be found in a little rest. If you can’t rest, breathe. If you can’t breathe, hold on to the hem of His garment. Feelings are a barometer of the state of your heart, not a prescription for actions.
Check back tomorrow for Fiction Friday. I’ll be reviewing Wild Montana Skies, by Susan May Warren. In the spirit of finding moments of rest and escape, this read will take you there!